Day + 61 - “I still don’t believe it…”

O.K. On behalf of my defense, I started this blog entry on day +55. Today is day+61. I have never in my entire life been at loss for words. I have sat here at the computer, staring at the screen for hours, trying to put into words some of my experiences from the past 5 months. What I found was there were just too many of them. It really is quite overwhelming to reflect on everything that has happened. I edited and removed half of it because I couldn't find the right words and some it just didn’t make sense (a most definite result of chemo brain--it is real.) Maybe with time, sharing those experiences will get easier. Anyway, this is as far as I got….

Last night(Day +55), I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror (fully dressed), my arms and shoulders hanging down, doing a pretty good job at making myself look as pathetic as possible, when Todd comes in. I say “I still don’t believe it.” “What?” he says. Using both hands, pointing at my head, for a more dramatic effect, I say “This. I am bald. And I don’t have eyebrows or eyelashes. Look at me.” “I am. You’re beautiful,” he says and kisses my bald head. I still don’t believe it. (I love you, Todd.)

Sept. 21st--After I was admitted to the E.R. at Harris Methodist, I was put in a hospital gown, given a mask to wear, taken back to a bed in a curtained area, where nurses monitored vitals, asked for my medical history and worked on getting an I.V. started. I looked at the clock. 2 pm. I turn to Todd and tell him he has to call Melissa (she already had Aidan.) He has to tell her. He has to call one of our best friends and tell her that I have cancer and ask her to take care of our children. School was going to be out soon. I told him he had to ask her to call Cheryl and have her bring Emma home from pre-school to her [Melissa’s] house. I told him to ask her to call the elementary school, tell them that Kylie and Miranda needed to get off the bus with her girls. I told him you have to tell her, you have to ask her. Tears just stream down my face when Todd comes back and tells me that she didn’t hesitate. She would take care of them for as long as we needed and do whatever we needed. And she (and Dan) did. I still don’t believe it.

I still don’t believe it… but apparently, during induction therapy, on the evening (Oct. 15th) my sister Tracy was arriving from Italy to stay with me at the hospital for a week, I was definitely anticipating a visitor. Or I should say visitors. My mom was staying with me when Todd came for the evening to visit. No, it wasn’t Todd that I was waiting for. I asked my mom if it was o.k. to tell Todd who was coming to visit me. She said yes, I could tell him. “Really?! I can tell him?” She just smiled and said “yes.” I turned and looked at Todd and said “Paula Abdul and Michael Jackson are coming here to visit me!” Who?! Where did that come from?!

When Tracy finally arrived, I insisted that she wear a pair of my pajamas (because of course she came all the way from Italy and didn’t bring anything with her) and told her that she could sleep on the top bunk. I don’t believe the hospital had rooms with bunk beds.

Today is Day +61 from the stem cell transplant. The engraftment was successful. Tracy’s donor cells have officially taken over and are producing normal, healthy, leukemia FREE blood cells! My bone marrow biopsy results show that there are no cancer cells detected. I am home with my family. I have been supported and uplifted by family, friends, neighbors and even complete strangers throughout this trial. Each day brings me closer to the time when I can use the word “cured.” I still don’t believe it.