Day 4 Consolidation

The past two days have been a battle with the spinal tap headache. I’ve read that it’s often described as “the headache of all headaches.” Courtney says, “that pretty much sums it up.” It’s really frustrating, because if it wasn’t for the nasty headaches, her stay at the hospital this time would be pretty much a piece of cake.

Yesterday was probably the worst day of the week. She was given chemotherapy to fight cancer, blood to fight anemia, morphine to fight the headache, benadryl to fight the itchiness from the morphine and phenergan to fight the nausea from the headache that caused her to throw up for the first time since this whole ordeal began.

Meanwhile, I got to leave the hospital to go to work and then spent the evening trick-or-treating with the kids (as if they needed more candy). I could dump out two thirds of the candy and they would never miss it – and I probably should – but won’t because I like candy and have a hard time throwing away perfectly good candy. Anyway, I can’t tell you how guilty I feel having so much fun with the kids while Courtney is so miserable in a hospital – even if it is a nice hospital.

And even though I know Courtney would tell me not to feel guilty and that I should just enjoy the time I have with the kids, I can’t help it. It doesn’t seem fair that I should go about doing ‘normal’ everyday activities, while she’s confined to a 10 by 10 room. I feel guilty every time I leave her in the hospital, and every time I sleep in our comfortable bed at home, and every moment that I have fun with the kids, and every meal that I can eat without feeling nauseous, and every time I go shopping, and I feel guilty every time she feels pain of any kind while I go about without so much as a sniffle. I know it’s a blessing that I can do all of this and do what I need to do to keep our family afloat, but I still feel guilty. I just wish I could trade places with her, even if was for just a few hours. Too bad we can’t tag team while fighting this disease.

So, after a rough day yesterday, Courtney followed it up with a slightly better day today. Today was an off day for chemotherapy and she didn’t need blood. So it was a quiet day from the IV pole. Her headache also subsided for awhile and she was able to get up and walk around a bit and eat some decent food. Unfortunately it came back pretty bad after dinner and she asked for some powerful meds to help her relax and sleep pain free. Hopefully the pain free afternoon was an indication that her spinal fluid is returning to normal and the headaches will be gone for good. Just in time for the side effects of the chemo to kick in. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.